i wish

Do you ever wish that you you were never told about love? ever wished that humans hadnt discovered it?

i know it brings a lot of happiness to people and can often bring sadness but neither of those are the reasons i wish i didnt know it existed. i wish i didnt know it existed so that i could discover it for myself. I could set the boundaries or what is and what isnt love.

not only would i be setting the boundaries but i would know what to look for. i would know when to say it and when to feel it.

the biggest fault we have made with love is that we didnt treat it like everything else in encounter. its the only emotion we don't scale rate it, other emotions have diffferent degrees, happy, cheerful, extatic, jolly.

with love, there is no degrees you go from just nothing to love, how did that ever happen?

why did we not put anything in between, anything that implied the same affections but had the meanings and symbolisim love does.

i have no words.

im speachless, my feelings for you have no words.

Awe

Its not often that i write when im happy, i guess i just tend to to write when i feel compelled to and happiness isnt often the driver of my blog.

but today i have smiled all day and had a skip in my step. Things for me, just felt like they had clicked into place.

this is only a brief post but i knew that if i didn't write whilst the iron is hot i wouldnt.

everything is awesome

Never Sure

I guess I'm never really sure what it is I'm doing any more. Whether what I am doing is going to result in anything or whether I am going to gain anything from my actions.

At the moment I'm a lot like a little bubble just floating in the wind, I'm not trying, I'm not doing anything. I just float and inevitably I will pop.

I question why I am so lazy sometimes, is that all it is? Am I just a lazy person or is there another reason for my apparent distance and lack of focus and control?

I guess we will only see with time. But for now I'm not happy where I am, so it just seems easier to float.

Changing Times

I guess id never be alone in questioning why things have to change. I, like everyone else don't like good things to change or go bad but it seems i'm in a place at the moment where things have changed and i have to make a decision.

I don't think I'm a bad judge of character, in fact i think im a pretty good judge of character but it seems that once ive let people get close to me i end up getting hurt and the same thing always happens.

i remember my first relationship, in fact i idealize my first relationship. She was the girl next door, a very good looking girl with brown hair who i would often use any excuse to talk to. I first noticed her when i was 15 and would often kick my football into her garden just for an excuse to go round there but like any normal boy with a crush id never talk to her. Luckily enough she also fancied me and was much better at letting me know. well i saw much better, she didnt mind getting her friends to come and tell me.

we were together for about two years from about 16 to 18 and it was really the perfect relationship, everything we did and learnt we learnt from each other. Neither of us knew what we were doing and neither of us had any expectations. we had a very happy relationship, argueing no more than whats healthy and had a normal physical relationship, that was all new to both of us too.

But it seems that when you get older the people you meet come with baggage, people seem to arrive at diferent points when you meet them. The baggage is never really a bad thing, people just have different experiences.

i think im just upset that this hasnt gone as easy as i hoped this time, im upset that if i choose to continue i could potentially be putting myself in a place where i wont have trust and peice of mind.

i dont know what is best for me. I do know one thing for certain, that even though ive told you that its ended, i cant stop thinking about you and that i know for certain that i still want you and i guess still need you.

Thanatos

However these are photos of my friend charlie who is essentially my equal, we each push the other and we're both pretty reckless when it comes down to it, we will take risks and push ourselves and we'll party as much as we can. Normal things of a people of our age i guess. Not all people of our age will party on MDMA as much as we may as that generally a cultural thing rather than a reckless atribute, the point is the self destruction and the self indulgence thats evident in us, thats the trait that is in every other member of our age group, you'll either find a complete celebration of that destructive self indulgence post pubestent boy inside or he will slowly repressed.

These photos, like any other of the photos on this blog are never seen by me as a portrait of charlie, as a portrait of hannah, of my bed etc... these photos are undeniable about me. I dont try to make photos about anything else, i dont make work about other people, that would seem silly. I dont shy away from the selfishness of humanity and why not celebrate it?

I would probably say i am very cynical, but at the same time i dont really see this as a burden, nor do i see the selfish atributes of man as a burden or a bad thing. I dont see them as a good thing but more that i just accept that they are there, im not in the bussiness to question humanity and the reasons why we are the way we are.

I like to ask questions, ask myself questions and question the who and what i am. I guess those answers could then be applied to the greater population but im not doing it for that.

for a while ive felt like something had been taken away from me, my relationship to photography, but ive felt like its come back at the moment.

i like to take photos.

Sons of Nyx

I've found myself for the past few days wondering what to write about the new images i have. Essentially they are the same thing, they're still focused on that totality and self destruction of intoxication. But for some reason im not sure i have the words to describe these. Something is different for me, im not sure if its the way i feel about the, if its the way ive produced them or if the way my night has played out has dramatically changed from some of the older work.

I guess i feel differnt about these, i feel theres more of my self destructive streak at work here. well i say self destruction but im really not sure if that is the case of whether im just assuming it is.

There is only one way to find out...

Made For TV Movies

I finally found out what it tastes like, i found out it was as soft as i expected and how it made me feel. Im not sure ive had a smile like i did last night, its a great thing to find something that makes you smile. Like you hear in trashy romance novels or some cheeseball guy saying it, but her lips honestly tasted sweet. I could not belive it, i was shocked because ive only ever known of that in movies. ive chased that kiss for a long time and to now have it feels amazing.