Awe

Its not often that i write when im happy, i guess i just tend to to write when i feel compelled to and happiness isnt often the driver of my blog.

but today i have smiled all day and had a skip in my step. Things for me, just felt like they had clicked into place.

this is only a brief post but i knew that if i didn't write whilst the iron is hot i wouldnt.

everything is awesome

Never Sure

I guess I'm never really sure what it is I'm doing any more. Whether what I am doing is going to result in anything or whether I am going to gain anything from my actions.

At the moment I'm a lot like a little bubble just floating in the wind, I'm not trying, I'm not doing anything. I just float and inevitably I will pop.

I question why I am so lazy sometimes, is that all it is? Am I just a lazy person or is there another reason for my apparent distance and lack of focus and control?

I guess we will only see with time. But for now I'm not happy where I am, so it just seems easier to float.

Changing Times

I guess id never be alone in questioning why things have to change. I, like everyone else don't like good things to change or go bad but it seems i'm in a place at the moment where things have changed and i have to make a decision.

I don't think I'm a bad judge of character, in fact i think im a pretty good judge of character but it seems that once ive let people get close to me i end up getting hurt and the same thing always happens.

i remember my first relationship, in fact i idealize my first relationship. She was the girl next door, a very good looking girl with brown hair who i would often use any excuse to talk to. I first noticed her when i was 15 and would often kick my football into her garden just for an excuse to go round there but like any normal boy with a crush id never talk to her. Luckily enough she also fancied me and was much better at letting me know. well i saw much better, she didnt mind getting her friends to come and tell me.

we were together for about two years from about 16 to 18 and it was really the perfect relationship, everything we did and learnt we learnt from each other. Neither of us knew what we were doing and neither of us had any expectations. we had a very happy relationship, argueing no more than whats healthy and had a normal physical relationship, that was all new to both of us too.

But it seems that when you get older the people you meet come with baggage, people seem to arrive at diferent points when you meet them. The baggage is never really a bad thing, people just have different experiences.

i think im just upset that this hasnt gone as easy as i hoped this time, im upset that if i choose to continue i could potentially be putting myself in a place where i wont have trust and peice of mind.

i dont know what is best for me. I do know one thing for certain, that even though ive told you that its ended, i cant stop thinking about you and that i know for certain that i still want you and i guess still need you.

Thanatos

However these are photos of my friend charlie who is essentially my equal, we each push the other and we're both pretty reckless when it comes down to it, we will take risks and push ourselves and we'll party as much as we can. Normal things of a people of our age i guess. Not all people of our age will party on MDMA as much as we may as that generally a cultural thing rather than a reckless atribute, the point is the self destruction and the self indulgence thats evident in us, thats the trait that is in every other member of our age group, you'll either find a complete celebration of that destructive self indulgence post pubestent boy inside or he will slowly repressed.

These photos, like any other of the photos on this blog are never seen by me as a portrait of charlie, as a portrait of hannah, of my bed etc... these photos are undeniable about me. I dont try to make photos about anything else, i dont make work about other people, that would seem silly. I dont shy away from the selfishness of humanity and why not celebrate it?

I would probably say i am very cynical, but at the same time i dont really see this as a burden, nor do i see the selfish atributes of man as a burden or a bad thing. I dont see them as a good thing but more that i just accept that they are there, im not in the bussiness to question humanity and the reasons why we are the way we are.

I like to ask questions, ask myself questions and question the who and what i am. I guess those answers could then be applied to the greater population but im not doing it for that.

for a while ive felt like something had been taken away from me, my relationship to photography, but ive felt like its come back at the moment.

i like to take photos.

Sons of Nyx

I've found myself for the past few days wondering what to write about the new images i have. Essentially they are the same thing, they're still focused on that totality and self destruction of intoxication. But for some reason im not sure i have the words to describe these. Something is different for me, im not sure if its the way i feel about the, if its the way ive produced them or if the way my night has played out has dramatically changed from some of the older work.

I guess i feel differnt about these, i feel theres more of my self destructive streak at work here. well i say self destruction but im really not sure if that is the case of whether im just assuming it is.

There is only one way to find out...

Made For TV Movies

I finally found out what it tastes like, i found out it was as soft as i expected and how it made me feel. Im not sure ive had a smile like i did last night, its a great thing to find something that makes you smile. Like you hear in trashy romance novels or some cheeseball guy saying it, but her lips honestly tasted sweet. I could not belive it, i was shocked because ive only ever known of that in movies. ive chased that kiss for a long time and to now have it feels amazing.

Today

I think im a little too self destructive for my own good.

i have a complete disregard for life and my mentality about it is a little questionable...

Love and Insanity

I seem to spend a lot of time in self reflection, maybe out of narcissism maybe out of curiosity. I never really know but at the same time i have never really cared much for reasons as to why i contemplate myself but just that i do.

I have spent a lot of time consider myself in regards to relations to others and what it is i derive from them. I find myself in complete desire over some peoples company and more so just their attention, i find it hard to understand in myself as ive spent a lot of my years never really caring for the affections of others. I have had them and at points sought them but not in the way i do now.

I sometimes put this down to the fact that i have changed a lot over the years and i have been affected emotionally in various ways. I may put it down to insecurities i have acquired, and they are prominent within my life as they can shape my actions and decisions insofar as i cannot control but i have come to question that this may not be the fuel to my actions.

If i consider the above i put myself down to being a very cynical person and have often thought about the selfish qualities of man but i have come to find myself questioning this all over again.

I would imagine this may make more sense if i explain what it is i am implying.

I am speaking in terms of my desire to be affectionate as i have a real and constant desire to show affection towards other people and I've often put this down to what i thought was an even bigger desire to receive affection in return and from that comes my cynical attitudes. Ive always thought of myself only wanting to show love to people as to receive it in return but im not so sure they're my motives.

To love someone just to receive love in return is only a selfish act if i my love came first and i then get it in return, but what if the love i am showing is result of the love i have been shown in the first place. suddenly the whole of human kind and its selfish motives becomes questioned of really being selfish.

I feel like this is part of my cynical attitudes being shelled as my cynicism is something i learnt as i got older and met various people who would impose it upon me. I was never bought up a cynic and nor have i ever been bought up to be a cold person, not saying i am a cold person but i am not as loving as i once was.

At the moment i have found myself chasing something that could pottentially be something i wont ever get and i know this but i've found part of myself just not caring about that. As what i have found that i am chasing is the ability to show affectionate to this person and not about reciveing theirs.

I have come to find, as so many people often do that madness and sanity are so close to each other, that love and hate come as a package and how that each of those poles excacorbate each other imensely.

i know that if i write this it is going to make the whole thing smell of cheese but....

it is far better to of loved and lost than to of never loved at all.

in that sense i could say i dont mind not getting what i want at the end of this road im chasing as i could say at the end that i had the chance to show my love but i dont want this to be mistaken with me not carring as there is nothing in the world right now that i want more.

i can only thank you for making me feel like this, making me feel human, making me feel alive.

Madonas Disco

It seems ive found something recreational with no consequences. It seems that if i have nothing to do, money sitting in my bank and time to kill i tend to use mdma a fair bit.

The past four days i have been to a different night club each day and dropped a bomb of mdma each night. It seems we make the decision to go out the following night as the first is coming to an end as there are no apparent consequences of a heavy night of dancing.

Drinking alcohol for years you learn that there is only so much your body can take. You have a too heavy night and you feel like death the next day, wandering round unable to function properly and most of your time is spent trying to keep the contents of your stomach inside. After a night of mdma i feel nothing, i wake up feeling slightly tired, but i understand that is due to the excercize i am doing whilst high.

I have barely been able to drink two nights in a row and i certainly wouldnt manage four nights of drinking. Its interesting that i there are no appernt side effects from mdma as it brings you to a point to question the actual limits. The reason i have been able to drop mdma for the past four nights in a row is because i have access to it and the time to rest the next day. It would be the fith night in a row if i considered it for tonight. If i had it sitting on my desk right now i would probably be preparing for another night out.

This is where it comes to question if it has adictive qualities. ive looked into it and the most i can find is that people just talk of growing an intollerence to it and therefor needing more to get a high. If i think about why i would consider it if i had it is because i have a very good time on it. its undeniable but i have realised that its not a dead certainty that you will have a good time.

I considered the possiblity that i may come to rely, or depend on it for a good time. But i also consider the attitude towards alcohol and how i, and almost everyone i know relys on it to have a good time. There are many night clubs that i could not go to without getting drunk as i use it to gain a small piece of courage to get up and dance.

where is the point where one is good and one is bad, or well one is more accepted than the other?

I could drink for two weeks straigh, every night and not one person would say anything in regarding how wreckless it is. It would be overlooked as "student life" and shrugged off.

Is using mdma four nights in a row abuse? is drinking alchol four nights in a row abuse?

the answer should be the same for each, you cannot deem one abuse without the other. I did realise that i have sort of made a reputation for myself. Its taken me four days of spontanuious plans and substance abuse to be labeled, in four days!

its very enjoyable, much more than alcohol.

Polaroid Sleep

Ive realized ive built up quite a lot of Polaroids of people sleeping, its never occurred to me to gather them all together in one place though, i might post them all together at a later date

Fun With Mandy

Ive been meaning to write this for a few days actually, but i've not had too much time nor the drive to actually sit down to write. But in desperately seeking entertainment on christmas day i thought i would resort to writing this. I know everyone spends their time looking forward to this time of year but i despise it a lot, i end up being surrounded by so many people for so long that it just stresses me out.

The thing i actually wanted to write about was a recent experience i had. I wanted to first outline that ive never really been bought up in an environment where i am taught that drugs are bad. im taught the same lessons as every other child in school about the dangers of addiction and the health risks of them.

The funny thing is that when i do take them there is nothing in me that sparks off that moral questioning. I can take then without hesitation and without any concern for how it might be morally wrong. The one thing i feel before taking them is the fear of it going wrong, but in essence that is one of the small high of it, taking that little risk. Like a parachute jump, or some kind of crazy stunt you risk your health and that fear that comes with it is a nice adrenaline rush.

I have indulged in Mushrooms on many occasions in the past and do quite enjoy them, they're something that i find very rewarding and return from them feeling very bonded with the people i have tripped with. The other drug i had tried was a chemical version of Mescaline and it was very strong, i enjoyed my time on it but came off it with the feeling of knowing that i didn't want to do it again and more importantly not progress further with any other kind of drug.

With drugs there is always the idea that its process of progression. That once you get used to one drug you tend to find another stronger drug to give you the next big high, and soon you are taking Heroine, of which is seen as the end of the road. I found myself presented with this path and realizing it wasn't one i was going to take, i would still partake in mushrooms but not anything else.

This was all challenged on Saturday.

I was presented with the prospect of taking some MDMA on a night out with my friends. My first instinct was to say no but there is something in me that is still curious. I wheighed up the odds of it and i had decided not to, i remebered back to how i just felt that chemical drugs weren't something that appealed to me.

Once in the situation i changed my mind, i made myself a little bomb of MDMA and once out and i'd had a few drinks i was a little more confident about taking it. I went into the toilet of the pub to swollow it and it went down fine. I expected a small lump in my throat for a while after, considering it was a little piece of paper. I returned from the toilet and back to my seat and you turn onto waiting mode. Even though you will try and ocupy yourself by talking to your friends you still spend your time waiting, checking each sense you have to see if anything is taken effect. I think the reason i check my senses is because i know that the mushrooms affect them a fair amount.

I realised there wasnt really any defining factor with the MDMA, no defining epithiny where i realise i am high, nothing that all the stereo-types tell you. The room didnt fill with love, i didnt want to hug everyone but i felt something, i did feel different.

I just wanted to dance, my jaw tightened as expected and my feet moved. I am really self concious when it comes to dancing and i wont unless i am really drunk. I hadnt drunk enough drinks to even feel a slight effect of them but suddenly i was filled with the uncontrolable urge to dance. I danced that whole night and not my normal self conscious inablity to dance, i felt like i could actually dance, as if i was blessed with the ability to coordinate my body with the music like i had never been able to before.

I felt like i had the confidence of having drunk a whole bottle of vodka without the sloppy nature of being drunk. I was fully aware and coherrent, i could hold a convosation, i was the normal me, with so much more confidence, it was unbelivable.

I went home with a big smile on my face after having a brilliant night. afterwards you will spend your time trying to repress the thought of the next day, to repress the nights ending as you will want it to live forever. In repressing the end of the night and the dawn of tomorrow you will have the looming danger of a come-down to wake up to. To a day or two of depression, a small price to pay for one night of complete bliss.

I woke up with a smile, slightly tired from the amount of energy i expended but still in a good mood. I spent the day considering the night before and consider what happened, and why it was i enjoyed it.

The main thing i considered was how acceptable it was for me to use it in the future. Do i leave this as just an experience or a start to something. I didnt wake up feeling bad, i had a perfect night without anything silly happening and what seemed like no danger at all.

with that in mind it almost seems perfectly logical to replace my alchohol consumption with MDMA because there seems to be no downsides to use of it. I do consider the things you get told about drug abuse, the things that i dont already have installed in me and i am left confused, i guess i will take that advice as so many people cant be wrong.

Whenever you meet someone that abuses drugs you often wonder where it all started, and i am in no way expressing any reason for concearn but imagine if ever i got ito deep, this is where they will say it all started.

and where was that?

Ironically a small peice of MDMA wrapped up in the first page of Revalations, dropped down my throat, the first small step to a potentially fucked up lifestyle.

I know not to get like that, i am just considering possiblities.

Mandy and I could go places

A Little Look

I wonder if i now know what i want, i felt like something has sort of clicked into place. Partly because of feeling rejected and in turn a little lonely. But i came to a point where im noticing patterns that are emerging in my actions, patterns in what im chasing.

To find out what you actually want was hard and im probably not sure but i have to go with the little i have. Now that i'm a little more sure of myself and realizing what i want has bought to my attention the fact that i don't actually have it

The prolem with not having what i want is that it cannot just come from anywhere, its something i cannot force and will have to be patient. This is hard because im not so good at it and i tend to act on impulse and get myself into situations i knew i didnt want to be in but i see a good thing and go for it, regardless of it not working in the long term.

I found out im actually quite bad at all the things i thought i might be good at, and they have all just turned into a stream of embarressing incidents. I can laugh about them and they are funny but i dont want to be a little bumbling idiot that actually has no people skills to speak of. I want to know what i want, to be sure of myself and not have to be sitting here writing about it. I want to talk, i want to be talked to and be kept at a small distance away but kept wondering. I want to be wanted.

Suddenly i want what i dont have, and also what ive given up so many times, this one thing was never exactly how i wanted it and i wonder if thats because i went out on my impules before stopping to think about what was happening and where it was going.

Im a little lonely boy of which seems to be off limits.

I want something. Thats what i miss, something not someone.

Le Petit Mort

Once again, my sleep is something i cannot let go. My sleep represents so much, its the beginning and end with no middle. I still don't dream so i'm not aware of anything, i have no connection to the world at all. Sleep is in its entirety represents death and in another sense is A Petit Mort.

These photos will become something else once im done with them, the project isn't about these photos but about something else.

This Way Up

There's really no proper way to explain this, its one of those things that the internet doesn't do any justice as it requires touch, and smell to accompany to text and photos. I spent most of last night making this, my friends and i made some mushroom soup and sat in my room all night.

Ive always had thought that hallucinogens shouldn't be taken whilst your mind isn't totally sound and considering the tone of my last few posts i would of advised someone in my position to not indulge. Ive done them a fair few times before in my life and i do enjoy them, i enjoy the thinking process i go on.

I feel completely happy about my life at the moment, and it dont want that to seem like its a result of the mushrooms, as they didn't give me any kind of chemical to make me happy, i did that myself, they just let my mind go. I learnt that no matter what i do, or how i get into unhappy situations that inside i am a happy person.

Ive always been raised with a lot of love and ive always had so much unconditional love for people but i felt that was taken away from me a few years ago. I met someone that was lost themselves and didnt know how they were affecting me and subsequently i felt like i had to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and almost stop loving everyone.

Last night i got that back, I feel like me again. I revisited old photographs and compeltely questioned all the reasons for me photographing, what it is to me and how i use it.

I learnt that in the times that i am so desperate to photograph things that there are other things that serve the same purposes for me too. For instance this book, i value it like i would any photo, as it is a photo in itself.

It served the same purposes, it gave me a vehicle for understanding things and gave me an object in return that represents my memory, it has the narative quality a photo has but unlike a traditional photo or book for that matter, like the timeless place i was in last night, this book was never meant to be read from cover to cover.

It wasnt wrote cover to cover, it was wrote franticly trying to find blank space, like photography it doesnt really have order untill its editing stage. Its impossible for us to not read it in the normal way, we know how to read a book and thats front to back. Its ok to be read like that, but just know that was not how it was wrote.

Like all my other note books it serves to be a personal thought process on paper.

I present to you my night, and the conclusion that i am happy

Mistake Identity

Theres something about sleep where you become no one, you become a complete and empty vessel. Its funny how sleep becomes like traveling in time, to sleep is to lose any connection to our corporeal reality. We have our faces of which we use to distinguish ourselves from everyone else, but our conscience thought and personality is the thing that drives the individuality. Go to sleep and its all gone, you become just a face.

Toothpaste Intimacy

I wanted to do something with these, i have a fair few and i just cant bring myself to throw them away. Each time i bring home a new one the old one stays in the pot unused until i have a few sitting there doing nothing. They then get moved to a small bag i have under the sink where they stay. I've always hoarded things like this but theres something about toothbrushes that i just cant part with.

I put this thing in my mouth at least twice a day every day its the first and last thing that i have contact with and theres something intimate about a toothbrush. I'm the same with shoes, but in a different way, i wont throw those away because i think i may have some use for them at some point.

I feel like my toothbrushes deserve something, so i decided to write about them and take a photo. They've become their own little collection in their own right and i wanted to give them their significance, their own significant in time and space.

So i present a Polaroid of them, unique, irreproducible and complete in its own time and space.

Look

Waiting, Smothered, Ready to Die,
Wrapped, Peaceful, Still alive.
Still Alive

Space

I'm finding myself just starring into space at the moment. I'm not looking at anything, I'm not waiting nor am i dreaming. I'm thinking, not about anything in particular, but there is movement in my head.

i find myself wondering if masking tape will ruin something if left on for too long. How my bed is littered will all the things i find essential. Ive spend a lot of time looking at my work on the walls and found myself thinking about the activities of my bed. I've even found myself wondering how much tomato ketchup is wasted from the bits that sticks to the sides.

All entirely irrelevant to whats actually going on. I tried reading and the way i was reading was as if i was really tired, i couldnt stay focused and i couldn't keep track of the subject matter, im not tired at all.

i slept for a few hours earlier, again because i found myself starring into space for no real reason. sleep seemed like the only thing that i could do to occupy my time. ive tried keeping busy but i just dont know what to do.

i dont feel like doing anything, im always sitting in silence and thats because the mood of music affects me a fair bit and i cant actually determine what mood im in as to adequately find a piece of music that fits.

ill probably be here for a few days.

Attitudes

Its interesting how you have an attitude towards something and how it can change, bend and flex depending on what happens to you.

Something happened tonight that any normal person would think that my attitude would change. it didn't, i suddenly found myself realizing how much i believed in what i thought. i didn't want to give my selfish views on it for who am i to put anyone in that situation.

I've always tried to renounce my selfish and subjective views, i could do that at this time but ethically and morally that was wrong.

I guess i just don't know what to say to it, what to suggest and what i can actually do.

I'm completely and utterly helpless.

Self Portrait

This was a day that i got pretty told off for, it was never something that planned but i had the weird compulsion to take photos whilst there. Hiding in the bathroom was the only place i could take photos without anyone noticing. Its interesting that i took a picture of myself there, here i am, i was here, confronted all the things i feared. No longer do i feel angry, sad, nor anything.

Untitled

This is another one of those photos where i just wanted to see what i looked like. i still remember my face when i was 8, when you look in the mirror your so familiar with the reflection that you see, occasionally i remember that i used to look different and i find myself strangely estranged from the face i see. i find that i know what it is to look and to find it looking back, but i find myself seeing someone older than i remember.

Insignificant Other

Theres something amazing about looking at the sky. It installs a complete and utter insignificant feeling in me, the interesting thing is that it actually makes me feel good about my life. I find it a good feeling to find my life has no significance in the universe. When you gaze at the clouds, the sea, the stars or even anything that is on a large scale you begin to wonder. To look at the stars makes me think about the grand scale of the universe, of other planets, stars and galaxies, of possible life. We tend to think of life and the universe as we know it, to exist on this planet but if you think of the size of the rest of reality, it's humongous, and you really are just an insignificant being.

Miss You

I will miss you, its at this point in our lives where we go off to different things, to experience life in a new way but theres always the fear of loosing a good friend. At this age i've had a lot of friends go off to university and a lot of them have come back different and i don't resent them in one bit as i understand i have changed immensely over the past few years.

You will go out, find new people and each will influence you in one way or another. you are responsible for cultivating my personality in many ways and i love you for that. with your absense i'm worried, as everyone would be, that we will grow apart.

don't forget who we are.

Another Loss

Im completely obsessed with a small moment where a person appears entirely absent. Its easy to see that our whole worlds revolve around ourselves, easy to understand that than it is to understand the absence of objectivity. I've never found anything objective, objectivity is an infinite idea, it will never exist, we can only try to get closer. There really is no truth, and not just truth in the strictest of senses because science fails profusely there, i have no truth, no reality.

When someone asks me what religious views i have, i have never been able to adequately answer it. Not in the sense that i am confused about where i stand on it, but more that its not really a concern. I have trouble beliving in reality let alone anything else.

i get the idea i just dont know with some things, i look for moments where people take time away. I want to escape most of the time, its not escape from society, not from people, not from myself but from reality.

So far, i find i sleep a lot to escape. the same goes for drinking, drinking isnt a full escapism as such but it clearly distorts my reality and i love that play.

Each mimics the inevitable we all face...

Lacking

There seems to be a lack of updates on here lately. That is purely because i have been shooting on film so far this summer, i am boycotting digital as i am fed up with how it makes me value imagery.

so its film all the way, the problem is that i dont have access to anything to develop it so i am saving it all up until i am back at uni and from there i will update with some new work.

Ive been writing alot lately though, i like to talk to myself through my writing. ive been writing alot about where i am going with my work and writing to help me understand my work.

i will probably add some of that onto here at some point.