A Little Look

I wonder if i now know what i want, i felt like something has sort of clicked into place. Partly because of feeling rejected and in turn a little lonely. But i came to a point where im noticing patterns that are emerging in my actions, patterns in what im chasing.

To find out what you actually want was hard and im probably not sure but i have to go with the little i have. Now that i'm a little more sure of myself and realizing what i want has bought to my attention the fact that i don't actually have it

The prolem with not having what i want is that it cannot just come from anywhere, its something i cannot force and will have to be patient. This is hard because im not so good at it and i tend to act on impulse and get myself into situations i knew i didnt want to be in but i see a good thing and go for it, regardless of it not working in the long term.

I found out im actually quite bad at all the things i thought i might be good at, and they have all just turned into a stream of embarressing incidents. I can laugh about them and they are funny but i dont want to be a little bumbling idiot that actually has no people skills to speak of. I want to know what i want, to be sure of myself and not have to be sitting here writing about it. I want to talk, i want to be talked to and be kept at a small distance away but kept wondering. I want to be wanted.

Suddenly i want what i dont have, and also what ive given up so many times, this one thing was never exactly how i wanted it and i wonder if thats because i went out on my impules before stopping to think about what was happening and where it was going.

Im a little lonely boy of which seems to be off limits.

I want something. Thats what i miss, something not someone.