I seem to spend a lot of time in self reflection, maybe out of narcissism maybe out of curiosity. I never really know but at the same time i have never really cared much for reasons as to why i contemplate myself but just that i do.
I have spent a lot of time consider myself in regards to relations to others and what it is i derive from them. I find myself in complete desire over some peoples company and more so just their attention, i find it hard to understand in myself as ive spent a lot of my years never really caring for the affections of others. I have had them and at points sought them but not in the way i do now.
I sometimes put this down to the fact that i have changed a lot over the years and i have been affected emotionally in various ways. I may put it down to insecurities i have acquired, and they are prominent within my life as they can shape my actions and decisions insofar as i cannot control but i have come to question that this may not be the fuel to my actions.
If i consider the above i put myself down to being a very cynical person and have often thought about the selfish qualities of man but i have come to find myself questioning this all over again.
I would imagine this may make more sense if i explain what it is i am implying.
I am speaking in terms of my desire to be affectionate as i have a real and constant desire to show affection towards other people and I've often put this down to what i thought was an even bigger desire to receive affection in return and from that comes my cynical attitudes. Ive always thought of myself only wanting to show love to people as to receive it in return but im not so sure they're my motives.
To love someone just to receive love in return is only a selfish act if i my love came first and i then get it in return, but what if the love i am showing is result of the love i have been shown in the first place. suddenly the whole of human kind and its selfish motives becomes questioned of really being selfish.
I feel like this is part of my cynical attitudes being shelled as my cynicism is something i learnt as i got older and met various people who would impose it upon me. I was never bought up a cynic and nor have i ever been bought up to be a cold person, not saying i am a cold person but i am not as loving as i once was.
At the moment i have found myself chasing something that could pottentially be something i wont ever get and i know this but i've found part of myself just not caring about that. As what i have found that i am chasing is the ability to show affectionate to this person and not about reciveing theirs.
I have come to find, as so many people often do that madness and sanity are so close to each other, that love and hate come as a package and how that each of those poles excacorbate each other imensely.
i know that if i write this it is going to make the whole thing smell of cheese but....
it is far better to of loved and lost than to of never loved at all.
in that sense i could say i dont mind not getting what i want at the end of this road im chasing as i could say at the end that i had the chance to show my love but i dont want this to be mistaken with me not carring as there is nothing in the world right now that i want more.
i can only thank you for making me feel like this, making me feel human, making me feel alive.
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